Love?

Love? Love? Why do I keep searching high and low?  You take me in your arms then let me go….

Why are gay men such pigs?  Why are they so un-focused, self-absorbed, and issue-assigned that you can’t get even a glimpse of what you would LIKE to see out of a given relationship?

I always said “Love doesn’t exist.  People just kind of settle for each other, and don’t really even know they’re doing it.”  Then I met Adam, who I fell head over heels for.  Things completely changed.  I mean, I can’t sit here and pretend I’m over it completely.  I think about Adam every day of my life, and how much I miss doing stuff with the fish tanks, or eating at the Golden Corrale in Monroeville.  I miss our sayings, hiking, fishing, and all the interests we shared.   He was a complete fucking weirdo, borderline sociopath, and I still loved that kid with every grain of my being up until he ripped my heart out by cheating on me.

Suddenly, love was gone.  I mean, it’s still there…but the person wasn’t real.  He didn’t love me back, so it didn’t count.

But yes…does love truly exist?  Can two men TRULY commit to one another?  I know some have it in them to do so (I’m living proof), but the fact is that gay men in their 20’s, or even 30’s have some major malfunctions that keep them from being faithful partners.

Someone always gets hurt. And it’s usually me.

With Andrew, I can’t sit here and say it’s fireworks and atomic love bombs.  It’s pretty easy for me to say that I’ve been borderline about him since the day I first talked to him.  I mean, there was some physical attraction there, but from an interests perspective we are completely different queers.  He’s semi-closeted due to his military background, a bit older (almost 30), and completely for any type of highway construction or windmill perpetuation if it means making life easier for people.

“The lives of a hundred thousand fish are far less important than that of a single human.”

Suddenly, my blood boiled.  How could he say that?  The new highway to State College makes travel SAFER and EASIER, but Bald Eagle Creek has suffered tremendously from this (as predicted) resulting in warmer water temperatures and far less run off from rains on the side of the ridge now bearing asphalt.  Perhaps if human beings would quit being so damned lazy about things, and start taking into consideration the voices of earths inhabitants that CAN’T speak for themselves, I’d like them more.  But fact is, people died on the OLD highway simply because they were travelling to fast, or without caution.  It was human error that caused this, so why punish the wildlife of Bald Eagle Creek for our own IGNORANCE and STUPIDITY?

Ermm…yeah.  I went off on a tangent there.  So, where was I again? OH YES! MEN!!!!

The whole gay soclal ring of Pennsylvania has depressed the living hell out of me from day one.  Everyone you talk to knows someone else you’ve humped on, and so forth.  The Myspace’s, Gay.com, and LifeOut.com’s of the net have completely changed the way relationships function, and have opened complete new ways for jealousy to enter a relationship. Nowadays, everyone is connected through these sights and locally…you can pretty much scope out two thirds of the areas gay men via a zipcode search or something.

So, as I sit here…I wonder…will I ever find someone with the same views as me?  Or, am I destined (as a gay male) to live my life alone because I’m not willing to compromise my own feelings and beliefs about relationships as a whole?

Somebody save me….

~ by Michael on July 12, 2008.