These are the Days We Throw Away
In order to fight all my demons, I’m going to need a bigger sword.
It’s Tuesday, the most mundane day of the week. While most of the events today kept me upbeat and smiling, my insecurities and doubts have been patiently waiting in the shadows of my mind for the slightest sign of trouble. Opportunistic, they seem to attack when I’m at my weakest point; the point where I’m more easily brought down.
Depression is kicking my ass tonight. Try as I might, I can’t conjure a positive thought about any situation. It’s like a vail that only allows me to see the dark side of things, filtering out the good for a moment in time. Or during some days, moments, as in plural. I ignore things outwardly, but on the inside I can’t help but create imaginary problems with no solid proof that there is actually something wrong.
There’s a lot of opportunity at my door lately. Band aside, I’m grateful that I’ve found Joe and that he’s stepped into my life like he has. I know he doesn’t realize how important he is to me. It’s hard to explain it, but I think I better not clutch so hard onto it. The territory is dangerous, and I know from experience that good relationships are like quicksilver. You have to hold it gently, with light regard. Otherwise, if you clutch it, it will slip through your fingers and hit the floor. I miss him when I’m at work, and can barely contain myself when I get home to see him.
I don’t however, think anyone would want to be around me all the time. Hell, I know I wouldn’t. I’ve got intense mood swings, I’m scatterbrained, and at times just stupid. Anxiety is to blame. So, I think maybe I need to not be up his ass so much, or I might lose him. Not that he’s come out and said it, but I just know how it works a little better now. That’s the last thing I want. To lose him that is. There’s something about him. My only hope is that he feels the same way about me and that he keeps me around for the long haul. I’d like to do something special for him soon, but I’ve gotta brainstorm to make it really good.
Thanks for listening.
As you say: “It’s been a long haul, but I think I’m finally getting it together.” Take a deep breath, or two, or ten. You ARE getting it together. You’re right about clutching, just relax. We are always here for you, listening.
P.S. I really like your picture for “About the Author”
Ray is right, take many deep breaths as you feel the need to. Maybe start a Gratitude Journal and every day write something in it for which you are grateful in your life. You have so much going for you Michael, your many talents and your intelligence. And just treat Joe like you’d like to be treated. You’ll be okay!